August Book club: His Only Wife pt 1

"Ask any woman if she loved her husband before she got married, or even if she loves him now."

Hello! Today’s newsletter is the very first edition of our monthly book club series. I know not everyone is interested in joining a book club, so if you’d rather not receive the weekly book club updates, here’s how you can opt out:

Go to your Substack profile (top right corner).

Go to “account settings.” There, you’ll see a list of all your subscriptions. It should look like the image below.

Click on If I Speak….

Scroll down to “notifications” and de-select “Book Club”.

No need to save these settings, just exit out and you should be good to go. You should now get the weekly newsletter, but no housewives stuff. You can always opt back in using the same steps if you change your mind!

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Elikem married me in absentia; he did not come to our wedding.

The opening lines of Peace Adzo Medie’s His Only Wife are haunting, but not unfamiliar to anyone from a traditional African background. Marriages in absentia happen every day — a woman dressed to the nines in traditional attire, surrounded by fussing family members while she waits to wed a framed photo of the absent bridegroom.

These kinds of weddings happen for lots of reasons, but something feels particularly eerie about the story that’s getting ready to unfold.

Still, I’ll be honest, the first half of His Only Wife has me more curious about the mysterious Evelyn, than afraid of her or what she might do. Elikem simply hasn’t been around enough for me to form any kind of opinion on him LOL.

Here are some of the other big ideas that have come to mind so far:

Women exist for sacrifice.

The motivations behind Afi’s marriage to Eli are clear to everyone involved. Her family is poor and his family has a woman-shaped problem they need to get rid of. Everybody wins… except Afi, of course. I’m reminded of the ways that familial sacrifice is always foisted upon the women of the clan; from Afi’s mother being forced to take care of her husband’s entitled family, to Afi being forced into a sham marriage that’s surely headed for disaster.

Speaking of marriage… is it supposed to be all bad?

“This is real life. This is our life.

You will get to know him and like him. That is how it is. If you don't believe me you can go and ask any married woman you know.

Ask any woman if she loved her husband before she got married, or even if she loves him now."

These words from Afi’s mother resounded with cruelty for me when I read them. Because even as bad as the whole arranged-marriage-to-a-guy-who-couldn’t-even-be-bothered-to-show-up-to-the-ceremony thing is, knowing that you have no allies is even worse. Listen, I’m a complete mommy’s girl and maybe I was just struck by the callousness of Afi’s mother’s words because I couldn’t imagine my own mother saying them to me. But more than that, her dismissiveness felt to me like the final nail in the coffin for a young woman who is being tossed into a storm with zero supports.

I also don’t think we talk enough about just how pervasive the idea that marriage is not supposed to be a good place for women, truly is. And it’s always in the small things; the casual assumption that unhappiness is just the cost of entry for marriage, the idea that being married is always better than being single, the lack of any kind of real support from community who should be in your corner, the quiet acceptance that you’ll be doing this forever.

And speaking of community…

What do we think of the mother??

It’s not until about a quarter of the way through the book that Afi finally admits to herself that her mother has changed and Afi wasn’t her priority. I could have told her that for free once the marriage plan was announced, but that’s just me.

I think the argument can be made that Afi’s mother, too, is a victim of a violent society that left her with few other options than to sell her own child as payment for this rich Aunty’s generosity… but I’m just not buying it. I’m finding it really hard to empathize with anyone who would be willing to put their own child up in this way, and I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on this.

Finally, is there such a thing as an ethical arranged marriage? 

Apropos of nothing (ha), I’m curious!! I’ve talked to friends who come from cultures where arranged marriages remains the norm, and who have seen it work out successfully. Other friends have helped me break down the ways that arranged marriages can actually be ethical and not disempower either party, so I’m wondering what experiences, thoughts and opinions you have on the ways arranged marriages can exist outside of the stereotypes we’ve been fed. Let me know in the comments!

What other thoughts do you have about the book so far?